Nightmare's Story - Feedback

[Dukayn]

This is great stuff. Very nicely done. My only issue is the use of first names by military personnel. I could understand it somewhat from Colonists as they aren't officially military trained per se, but I would expect SU troops to be using last names or ranks, and calling superior officers "sir".

That minor thing aside, it's very well written and I got a real sense of being there and seeing it happening.

[Ced23Ric]

Fully aware of that, it'll come up in future installments. I try and draw a cohesive concept that builds up to things, and right now, I needed those guys to be irregulars. It'll make sense later.

[Dukayn]

Cool. Can't wait for the next instalment. If they are irregulars/mercs then yeah the more casual references makes more sense.

[shrimplor]

Wow. That was very well-written. Looking forward to seeing more of this.

[Joshua A.C. Newman]

Hey, an important thing: Daddy C might think of them as a hive mind, but they're anything but. They speak with a language and rarely agree with each oer. Cultures are extremely local. Humans with an Ijad riding them are like a married couple, with all that implies. Ijad and humans get together because they like each other.

Now, I don't know what these guys think is true, on the other hand. Sounds to me like the Ijad have a good plan and good radios, though. that sure could look like a hive mind.

Mercenaries, by the by, would be sent by their employer without any real equipment. Gear is too massive. They get somewhere and then build themselves new frames. If they have a favorite component, they might pack that.

[schoon]

Inspired by this story, I've created a new Fan Fiction forum for pieces like this - as I suspect there will be more of them

[shrimplor]

Thank you for this awesome story. Stuff like this really helps me get invested in the universe.

Also,

War never changes.

Was that on purpose?

[Ced23Ric]

Yupp. Glad you found it.

[Dukayn]

Another good chapter of this story. There are a few missing words in the first few sentences but otherwise solid writing.

[The Trilobite]

I like this. There's a sense of action and character, and so far, the pacing seems good.

Your description of how the Ijad frames move is very nice, and besides being evocative also makes me feel like you've thought about the world and the scenes. I also like the dialogue. The unconventional but internally consistent radio handles and the tone of the character's responses to each other show that this is a group that has been together for a long time, and that they know and trust each other.

I also like the your narrator is plain wrong about the Ijad. That's something not done often enough. His thoughts and the briefing he gives in the opening show his fear and the reasons for it just as well, if not better, than the explanation that follows. Nicely done.

There are a few places were plurals and adverbs (those -ly forms) seem to be missing or awry, so you may want to look it over with an eye to that.

I'll be watching to see where this goes--good stuff!

[Wadmaasi]

The first 3 paragraphs of the 2nd segment are very good.

[Dukayn]

Good stuff. Never would have guessed English wasn't your first language from your writing alone. It has better English in it than most native speakers I know

[The Trilobite]

I'm digging the direction this is taking--contact with the enemy normally feels different. When we can see them, eye-to-eye and person-to-person, most of us have a hard time maintaining feelings of hostility.

I also like the dialogue from Ijad: it feels like not only a genuine response to the situation but also the kind of prepared propaganda-esque line trained into many soldiers.

If I may, you may want to change jumsuite to jumpsuit. Also, I'd suggest breaking the dialogue into separate lines for separate speakers. Other than that, digging this. Good work!

[Ced23Ric]

I'll think about the dialogue, prolly needs some fixing. "Lines per" is so ... scriptey. Integrated speech is something I do prefer, myself. Maybe I find something in between. Currently, I try to seperate speech heavy from speechless pararaphs.

[The Trilobite]

Oops! Sorry, I wasn't very clear.

I meant a separate line for dialogue from each character. Like:

The weapon shook in Jeremy's fist. His eyes stared at Wilson, feverish in a face as pale as an index card. "Stay back! I know what you are! I know what you are!" His voice rose to a shriek, and his face contorted wildly.

"Now, Jeremy, let's...let's try to stay calm here. We can discuss this rationally." Wilson walked forward, slowly. His voice was low and calm, and he watched, not the gun, but Jeremy's widening eyes.

At the moment, I think what you have is:

The weapon shook in Jeremy's fist. His eyes stared at Wilson, feverish in a face as pale as an index card. "Stay back! I know what you are! I know what you are!" His voice rose to a shriek, and his face contorted wildly. "Now, Jeremy, let's...let's try to stay calm here. We can discuss this rationally." Wilson walked forward, slowly. His voice was low and calm, and he watched, not the gun, but Jeremy's widening eyes.

At least, I think so. I have been wrong before and will be wrong again.

[Ced23Ric]

I forgot the italics in one paragraph, which is now fixed. I much prefer to use text formating than paragraphs. D:

[Dukayn]

I meant a separate line for dialogue from each character. Like:

The weapon shook in Jeremy's fist. His eyes stared at Wilson, feverish in a face as pale as an index card. "Stay back! I know what you are! I know what you are!" His voice rose to a shriek, and his face contorted wildly.

"Now, Jeremy, let's...let's try to stay calm here. We can discuss this rationally." Wilson walked forward, slowly. His voice was low and calm, and he watched, not the gun, but Jeremy's widening eyes.

This is pretty standard literary formatting for speech, yes. Although usually not with a blank line break. Look at any novel where a conversation takes place.

Example:

[Zero Revenge]

Oh wow, that was actually sad to read about Patrick and his new... dilemma he's found himself in. The description was perfect for the shear fear he had.

Consider me a follower now.

[Ced23Ric]

Tried a new form to write dialogue.

I also found out why it's alien for you guys to read it in-line: In German literature, a lot of dialogue is simply written in-line, and usually designated by italic within the text, and sentences are attached with commas. Just a different way language is woven into writing. So while inline is natural for me and seperated speech is alien, it's the other way around for you guys. Let me know if this works better for you.

[spacemonkey]

Just came across what you have written for this story so far, Ced23Ric, and I have to say I'm loving it. Good flow and some great characterization for Patrick. You definitely have me eager to read more; any intentions to continue this tale?