...the Sharper the Thorne - Feedback

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...the Sharper the Thorne - Feedback

Postby Dukayn » Wed Apr 18, 2012 1:34 am

Very cool. Have you designed the FU09 fully yet? Would love to see what it looks like.
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Re: ...the Sharper the Thorne

Postby The Trilobite » Wed Apr 18, 2012 9:02 am

Good action, and description of motion. You've kept it succinct, almost terse, and I think that lends a good atmosphere.

I'm really curious about Thorne's shooting the weapons of his enemies before anything else; that seems telling. The attempts to escape and evade make the people, even briefly glimpsed, seem more real. I also plan on stealing your "frame-blades", if you don't mind.

You may want to look at using some alternatives to "too late", but that's up to you. All told, a good quick story with nicely done action, and an enjoyable read.
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Re: ...the Sharper the Thorne

Postby schoon » Wed Apr 18, 2012 6:37 pm

The Trilobite wrote:I also plan on stealing your "frame-blades", if you don't mind.

You may want to look at using some alternatives to "too late", but that's up to you. All told, a good quick story with nicely done action, and an enjoyable read.

Concerning the "theft," please do!

...and thank-you for the feedback. It can be hard to get good criticism for fan fiction sometimes. I'll be rewriting the first chapter after I do the next installment or two...
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Re: ...the Sharper the Thorne

Postby Wadmaasi » Wed Apr 18, 2012 10:36 pm

That's a well-crafted combat vignette.
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Re: ...the Sharper the Thorne

Postby Ced23Ric » Thu Apr 19, 2012 10:25 am

I want to read more about this.
Image Vesopia - An Ijad-controlled system, where SU and FC are still fighting.
"The moon will guide you on your path when the sun long has set." - Trinity Of-The-Many.
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Re: ...the Sharper the Thorne - Feedback

Postby Ced23Ric » Wed May 02, 2012 2:32 am

Yes! A new part! Short, but sweet. Well done, Sean. No I want to learn more about Vin, Carpus and Thorne's mission.
Image Vesopia - An Ijad-controlled system, where SU and FC are still fighting.
"The moon will guide you on your path when the sun long has set." - Trinity Of-The-Many.
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Re: ...the Sharper the Thorne - Feedback

Postby randolph » Mon May 14, 2012 1:10 am

Awesome stuff, boo leaving us mid-fight.

schoon wrote:They called their mish-mash units of Commissars and Conscripts, "Yeti," and truth be told, they'd earned the moniker.

I believe the comma preceding "Yeti" is extraneous.

schoon wrote:They hid in the snow and ice in unheated cockpits with canteens, catheters, and sus-rats, waiting for the right time to strike.

(emphasis mine)
Ow.

schoon wrote:His frame would sand out like a sore thumb to anyone with half a sensor array.

"sand" should be "stand"

schoon wrote:Thorne's FU09 erupted from where it had laid buried in the snow in a geyser of powder and ice.

I believe "laid" should be "lain" here.
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