...the Sharper the Thorne - Feedback

[Dukayn]

Very cool. Have you designed the FU09 fully yet? Would love to see what it looks like.

[The Trilobite]

Good action, and description of motion. You've kept it succinct, almost terse, and I think that lends a good atmosphere.

I'm really curious about Thorne's shooting the weapons of his enemies before anything else; that seems telling. The attempts to escape and evade make the people, even briefly glimpsed, seem more real. I also plan on stealing your "frame-blades", if you don't mind.

You may want to look at using some alternatives to "too late", but that's up to you. All told, a good quick story with nicely done action, and an enjoyable read.

[schoon]

I also plan on stealing your "frame-blades", if you don't mind.

You may want to look at using some alternatives to "too late", but that's up to you. All told, a good quick story with nicely done action, and an enjoyable read.

Concerning the "theft," please do!

...and thank-you for the feedback. It can be hard to get good criticism for fan fiction sometimes. I'll be rewriting the first chapter after I do the next installment or two...

[Wadmaasi]

That's a well-crafted combat vignette.

[Ced23Ric]

I want to read more about this.

[Ced23Ric]

Yes! A new part! Short, but sweet. Well done, Sean. No I want to learn more about Vin, Carpus and Thorne's mission.

[randolph]

Awesome stuff, boo leaving us mid-fight.

They called their mish-mash units of Commissars and Conscripts, "Yeti," and truth be told, they'd earned the moniker.

I believe the comma preceding "Yeti" is extraneous.

They hid in the snow and ice in unheated cockpits with canteens, catheters, and sus-rats, waiting for the right time to strike.

(emphasis mine)
Ow.

His frame would sand out like a sore thumb to anyone with half a sensor array.

"sand" should be "stand"

Thorne's FU09 erupted from where it had laid buried in the snow in a geyser of powder and ice.

I believe "laid" should be "lain" here.