Terminus - Feedback

[Ced23Ric]

Okay, so we don't get another part of Precison, but we get a new story that has multiple parts. Very well then, Mr. Trillington. Bring it.

First part was already tasty, I can picture the situation fairly well. Single, lonesome question: Isn't it omelette au fromage?

[The Trilobite]

Oui!

Also, would it be possible change the title of this to Terminus - Feedback?

[Ced23Ric]

Also, would it be possible change the title of this to Terminus - Feedback?

I brainfarted. Changed. Wow. *scratches head*

[Mantisking]

Also, would it be possible change the title of this to Terminus - Feedback?

I brainfarted. Changed. Wow. *scratches head*

How'd you manage that? I didn't see that option on the control panel.

[Ced23Ric]

How'd you manage that? I didn't see that option on the control panel.

Just edit the first post of a given thread, it contains the thread title.

[Dukayn]

That was really good. I imagine Mark Sheppard being cast as the man in the blue glasses:P

[The Trilobite]

Ha ha! That is now my mental image of him. Thanks.

[Ced23Ric]

New part is up - something's a-brewin'!

I really like your scene-setting. You carry a lot of emotion in few words, by triggering situations one can relate to. Well done. Now keep going.

[The Trilobite]

Now keep going.

[randolph]

Great stuff, good buildup of tension.

Possible typos:

... made you Olympic gold medalist like Tui Horst...

"... made you an Olympic..."

... low-level managers Aruve City's mining concerns and logistics companies.

"... managers from Aruve City's..."

Some were just coming in for the start of a long day, others, like him, were heading home after a long night.

"... long day; others, like him..."

She reached out lit the clock.

"She reached out and lit the clock."

... climate control...Josephine

"... climate control... Josephine..."

[The Trilobite]

Sweeeet. Muchas gracias for these. I eat editorial advice for fuel.

[Ced23Ric]

Because it may have dropped past others - well done, Trilly. I like the story alot. I honestly wish there was more. Some things struck me as odd, but I think it's more of your writing style than any actual mistakes. Enjoyable regardless.

My recommendation: Don't use place holder posts, new additions don't show up that way. You miss alot of readers like that.

[randolph]

Totally missed the updates because they weren't new posts.

Still awesome.

48 hours on minimum system power, with no interior lighting, cycling the air at half tempo which she slept fitfully and running the cooler for only a few minutes every hour.

Maybe "48 hours on minimum system power with no interior lighting, sleeping fitfully while the air cycled at half tempo and the cooler activated for a scant few minutes every hour."

But also 48 hours of sand moving into and over her position, erasing the signs that someone had worked her, randomizing her camouflage, helping her blend.

"... worked here..."

washing down the warm paste, neither apple nor compote, down with another more gulps of solution.

"... with another gulp of solution" or "... with more gulps of solution."

She stretched her free arm and the hand, massaged down her leg as far as she could reach, tensing and relaxing the muscles there, and carefully put the arm back in the control harness before freeing the other arm and repeating the process.

Are you trying to say "She stretched her free arm and hand, ..." or "She stretched her free arm, and the hand massaged..." ?

A man in Marine uniform, an officer, stepped up into view, looking out into the night toward her position He spoke over his shoulder with one of the controllers, then nodded, and with a laugh, crossed over to the other side, to look in the other direction.

"... her position. He spoke..." and "... other side to look in the other direction."

There was a heat signature, a hot one, and when she zoomed in Josephine saw a shuttle, engines burning, coming in at a steep angle under full power.

"... zoomed in, Josephine..."

A quick glance at the computer showed her calculations were correct.

It's not technically wrong, but it's a bit awkward. Maybe "A quick glance at the computer confirmed her calculations" or something.

[The Trilobite]

Because it may have dropped past others - well done, Trilly. I like the story alot. I honestly wish there was more. Some things struck me as odd, but I think it's more of your writing style than any actual mistakes. Enjoyable regardless.

Thanks, man. Sometimes I used deliberately odd phrasing because of the way Josephine is, but I'll bet there's plenty of mistakes in there. Mind pointing a couple things out?

My recommendation: Don't use place holder posts, new additions don't show up that way. You miss alot of readers like that.

Good point, dude. I didn't even think of that.

Randolph:
Thanks so much for the editorilalinationhood. I'ma get right on those.

Anyone else: the story's done, and if you could shower me with pr--uh, let me know what you think I'd appreciate it!

[Dukayn]

That was good, man. Real good.

[The Trilobite]

Thanks! I'll be putting up a single-piece, cleaned up version soonish.