Tired of Talk of Twanks and Twanzers? SELECT SQUIBS!

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Tired of Talk of Twanks and Twanzers? SELECT SQUIBS!

Postby FragsturBait » Thu Feb 12, 2015 12:02 am

Are you fed up with the fountain of fun facts featuring Twanks, are you done dealing with dissertations devoted to Twanzers, are you avoiding all-encompassing advertisements about the allure of Clankers? Squib Science Syndicate proudly presents a product for your predicament!

THE SQUIB!

Image
(weapons not included)

Available in 3 visually striking paint styles, and built with a delta wing back plate and aerodynamic styling*, Squibs feature an impressive array of features. Including: head mounted optical sensor, padded pilot stool**, AM/FM stereo, and 6 points of articulation. Optional*** features include HD optical sensor and display, fully adjustible pilot chair with seat back, climate control, AM/FM stereo with AUX input for pilot data device****, as well as knee and elbow joints.

WE FINANCE, NO CREDIT CHECK, YOU'RE ALREADY APPROVED!

So schedule a stop at the Squib Science Syndicate Showroom on Shinto 5 in the Sakura System soon!

*Squibs do not actually fly
**one size fits most
***price varies, premium options add weight, which may incur additional transit fees
****most devices supported
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Re: Tired of Talk of Twanks and Twanzers? SELECT SQUIBS!

Postby aurlaent » Thu Feb 12, 2015 1:47 am

Do they come in black?
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Re: Tired of Talk of Twanks and Twanzers? SELECT SQUIBS!

Postby FragsturBait » Thu Feb 12, 2015 2:32 am

aurlaent wrote:Do they come in black?


That's a great question! While we do not offer Squibs in black, you may chose not to have your Squib painted. You can apply your own paint job, or take your Squib to a professional of your choosing! (We recommend Earl Shibe, provider of budget friendly paint jobs since the 21st century.)
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Re: Tired of Talk of Twanks and Twanzers? SELECT SQUIBS!

Postby Blorf » Thu Feb 12, 2015 9:19 am

Amazingly appalling alliteration accords applause.

But... I stand with Twankus.
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Re: Tired of Talk of Twanks and Twanzers? SELECT SQUIBS!

Postby Atavism » Thu Feb 12, 2015 1:32 pm

General Hezeraiah Twankus wrote:
Ahem,

Ones obscurative advertisement attempts an aural aura, and, although admirable, only offers obfuscation on an observant emptor's obvious objections.

As always,

Gen. Hezeraiah Twankus



Cute! I particularly like the spiky green and purple one.

Blorf wrote:... But... I stand with Twankus.


Reading this makes me unreasonably happy.
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Re: Tired of Talk of Twanks and Twanzers? SELECT SQUIBS!

Postby Sovietshadow » Thu Feb 12, 2015 6:09 pm

Anyone else feeling like a squib and twanks showdown?
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Re: Tired of Talk of Twanks and Twanzers? SELECT SQUIBS!

Postby Luke_BMM » Thu Feb 12, 2015 7:22 pm

Sovietshadow wrote:Anyone else feeling like a squib and twanks showdown?

I'm not sayin' that two frames enter, one frame leaves, I'm just sayin' that two frames enter, one frame leaves.

Throwing it out there. As has been the case for much of human history, trial by combat seems like the most sensible way to make a decision.
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Re: Tired of Talk of Twanks and Twanzers? SELECT SQUIBS!

Postby aurlaent » Mon Feb 16, 2015 10:08 pm

FragsturBait wrote:
aurlaent wrote:Do they come in black?


That's a great question! While we do not offer Squibs in black, you may chose not to have your Squib painted. You can apply your own paint job, or take your Squib to a professional of your choosing! (We recommend Earl Shibe, provider of budget friendly paint jobs since the 21st century.)

Ok. Next time I'm using a professional.
I ordered an unpainted squib and tried painting it black, but I couldn't get in to all the corners. (Can't really tell in the picture, but the headlight bricks are dark grey.)
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squib by aurlaent, on Flickr
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Re: Tired of Talk of Twanks and Twanzers? SELECT SQUIBS!

Postby eduty » Tue Feb 24, 2015 3:42 pm

Ugh. Do not buy this product. I was so excited to get my first Squib as a replacement for my Clanker. What a disappointment.

I loved the way my clanker would sound walking around the neighborhood. That 130 decibel, heavy metal crunch with each step was forever I triumphant alarm, that I, mild mannered galactic citizen, could afford the wonders of Clanker ownership -but no more.

My new Squib makes a much less audible "squish" in transit and constantly "sweats" some kind of odoress condensation around the joints.

Not to mention the padded stool was obviously not designed for a human posterior. My doctor believes that the terminal gonad ache I got from riding it could be permanent!

AVOID THIS FRAME LIKE SPACE VIKINGS !!! BUY SOMETHING ELSE !!!!!
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Re: Tired of Talk of Twanks and Twanzers? SELECT SQUIBS!

Postby Lorc » Tue Feb 24, 2015 5:01 pm

That gunslinger's great. Nice colour scheme (cannot imagine what it reminds me of...) and cute head-spikes.
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Re: Tired of Talk of Twanks and Twanzers? SELECT SQUIBS!

Postby gusindor » Tue Feb 24, 2015 9:18 pm

eduty wrote:SPACE VIKINGS !!!

This needs to be a thing.
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Re: Tired of Talk of Twanks and Twanzers? SELECT SQUIBS!

Postby VitorFaria » Tue Feb 24, 2015 10:56 pm

gusindor wrote:
eduty wrote:SPACE VIKINGS !!!

This needs to be a thing.


I google it, and apparently it already is. There's a series of novels titled "Space Viking" written in the 60,s. Now I have to read those! :lol:
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Re: Tired of Talk of Twanks and Twanzers? SELECT SQUIBS!

Postby woodwardiocom » Wed Feb 25, 2015 10:43 am

VitorFaria wrote:
gusindor wrote:
eduty wrote:SPACE VIKINGS !!!

This needs to be a thing.

I google it, and apparently it already is. There's a series of novels titled "Space Viking" written in the 60,s. Now I have to read those! :lol:


Well, one novel, by H. Beam Piper. It's a good read, with interesting military stuff, and some discussion of politics. Just don't expect horned helmets and ale-quaffing.

-JW
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Re: Tired of Talk of Twanks and Twanzers? SELECT SQUIBS!

Postby Mantisking » Thu Mar 05, 2015 12:01 pm

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Re: Tired of Talk of Twanks and Twanzers? SELECT SQUIBS!

Postby FragsturBait » Fri Mar 06, 2015 1:48 pm

eduty wrote:Ugh. Do not buy this product. I was so excited to get my first Squib as a replacement for my Clanker. What a disappointment.

I loved the way my clanker would sound walking around the neighborhood. That 130 decibel, heavy metal crunch with each step was forever I triumphant alarm, that I, mild mannered galactic citizen, could afford the wonders of Clanker ownership -but no more.

My new Squib makes a much less audible "squish" in transit and constantly "sweats" some kind of odoress condensation around the joints.

Not to mention the padded stool was obviously not designed for a human posterior. My doctor believes that the terminal gonad ache I got from riding it could be permanent!

AVOID THIS FRAME LIKE SPACE VIKINGS !!! BUY SOMETHING ELSE !!!!!


We are truly sorry for your regrettable experience. We believe Squib ownership should be a joy for all individuals. Please contact your local Squib representative for a 20% discount on your next Squib purchase. Again, we are sorry for your regrettable experience. Have a nice day :)
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Re: Tired of Talk of Twanks and Twanzers? SELECT SQUIBS!

Postby FragsturBait » Fri Mar 20, 2015 3:45 am

Dear shareholders, owners, and Squib enthusiasts,

I come to you today with a more serious tone. Normally I let my marketing department do my talking for me, but as this represents a somewhat major change in the business philosophy of Squib Science Syndicate, I will dispense with the ironically overblown adspeak they prefer.

Squib Science Syndicate was founded 10 years ago by myself, James Archibald Fragsturbait III, heir apparent to the family business of Fragsturbait Fine Family Foundries United Coalition. Since then we have become a leader in budget and family friendly frames. We have done this by carefully analyzing market trends, galactic politics, and many other factors, and applying what we learn to our future plans.

Sadly, I see today a galaxy full of strife. I also see a galaxy full of bottom tier knock-offs. Sadly, not every frame can stand toe to toe with Squibs, Twanks, Twanzers, Fleas, or Clankers. Our primary market is, and always will be, personal defense. However, we recognize that in today's galaxy, a simple Squib might not be enough. As a result, and in partnership with General Twankus, we have developed the first in a new line of MilSpec Squibs. It pleases me to present:

DELTA SQUIB
Image

General Twankus has been a fan of the Polearm LSM gyro-stabilized railgun since it was developed by my father when he was working at JFBI. Recently I offered to collaborate with him, and he expressed interest in purchasing plans, with the intention of developing a miniature version. While he was hard at work on the Micro-Polearm (MPLSM), we were putting the finishing touches on his Parabolic Plasma Cannon. Using what we learned about plasma shunting, we developed the brand new Heliohydra plasma alternator. The result is the aptly named Squiblord. [pictured on left] The plasma alternator diverts the modest power of the reactor to each of three MPLSM in turn. The only drawback is that it is rendered immobile when firing, but with firepower like this it's perfect for home defense. We also learned quite a bit about micro-miniature weapons tech from General Twankus, which gave us the UBER-FERRET minigun. [pictured on right] The model shown here is equipped with a TUB hyper-extended magazine.

I'm very excited about this bold new direction for Squib Science Syndicate. Together we can continue to lead the field in personal and household defense.

-James Archibald Fragsturbait III
Image

Spoiler: show
Rest assured that General Twankus and I have reached a very fair agreement for our use of his technology as well. I could post the details, but frankly it's none of your **** business.


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Re: Tired of Talk of Twanks and Twanzers? SELECT SQUIBS!

Postby gusindor » Fri Mar 20, 2015 5:18 pm

I can't get over the gun-face.
Always bring a speech to a gunfight.
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Re: Tired of Talk of Twanks and Twanzers? SELECT SQUIBS!

Postby FragsturBait » Mon Mar 23, 2015 9:39 pm

Image

James stood next to a small group of officers and advisers at the testing range. Next to him stood his CSO, Thom "Yorkie" Maybury. Thom lived up to his nickname by being small, somewhat noisy, and fiercely loyal.
"Are you sure this is a good idea? If the General finds out someone hacked into his systems and stole those plans, we're going to be in big trouble. Those things are totally untested, you know that right?" Thom was, as usual, nervous. "We might be under the corporate protection of your family name, but when it comes to actual fighting we all know that all bets are off. Remember that time Sicuro Industries picked a fight with those gun runners? They almost had to go to war and your father didn't even bat an eyelash. Twankus could wipe us out before breakfast, there's no way we could surv-"
"Thank you Thom, I am well aware." James was watching the preparations happening before them with almost a smile on his face. He's usually smiling, but considering it was his 10 year old son and his friend suiting up to pilot the pair of milspec squibs sitting on the tarmac, he had reason to be worried. "General Twankus won't find out. I already spoke to his people and apologized for the breach. It seems the good General is a bit of a technophobe, he won't even use a digital toilet. 100% analog that man, really quite amazing he's managed to build such an empire. They have no plans of telling him so long as the children learn a lesson."

Out on the tarmac, James son William sat in the cockpit of a heavily modified Squib. It wasn't the first frame he'd piloted, but it was the first one with any kind of weapons. He and Semyon, his best friend, had hacked into Twankus systems and stolen plans to the Twankus Ire Cannon and the Bull-Gun, and mounted them to a pair of Squibs. Semyon was piloting the TICK (K is for killer!) and he was piloting the Bullgunner. He had also mounted wings and thrusters to his frame, against Semyon's advice.

They fired up their frames, and Semyon moved his out to the firing range. A small house had been fabricated, and he took up position about 50 yards away from it. A panel opened up in the back of the frame, and a large monopod unfolded and dug itself into the dirt. Inside the cockpit, Semyon grinned and pressed the triggers, unleashing hell from 7 separate flechette cannons. Thirty seconds later the magazines were empty and half the house was gone.

As the smoke clears and Semyon moves back to to the staging area, Thom looks at James, who is smiling a bit more.

William swallows and fires up the jump jets. He takes a running start and jumps into the air, firing his thrusters and soaring into the sky. He swoops around and takes aim on what's left of the house. He presses the trigger, and is smashed into the side of the cockpit as his the force of the shot sends his Squib corkscrewing through the air. He regains control a few yards from the ground, his composure a bit after that, and takes to the air again. Adjusting his flight path, he dive bombs the house (which he missed cleanly with his first shot) and targets it again. He waits until he's overshot the house to pull the trigger, letting the force of the blast propel him back into the air. It only takes him one more pass to demolish the rest of the house, but he makes 2 more for show, and takes his frame in for a landing a mere 10 yards from the assembled onlookers.
As James and Semyon climb out of their frames, Thom looks at James and asks, "So, what exactly were did we learn here sir?"
James had honestly thought the children's experiment would fail, and probably spectacularly, "We learned to never underestimate a pair of genius 10 year-olds. Cut a check to Twankus people for twice the standard rate, and offer them the services of our best freelance data security expert for 4 months at no charge."
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Re: Tired of Talk of Twanks and Twanzers? SELECT SQUIBS!

Postby Atavism » Tue Mar 24, 2015 6:51 pm

----

You have <1> new voicemail!

---

Hey lil' dog this Is the Chet Man, you don't know me but maybe you've heard of the Big Dog I don't know, man.

Uh...

So, we tracked down the leak in our systems to you. The Chet Man was way surprised that your dad covered for you like he did. The Chet Man was way waaay more surprised when we found out what you did with our info.

And Man, its pretty cool that your dad let you get away with that. He seems like a cool dude. Real cool that he was there with you man, I wish my dad was around like that...

But, uh, the Chet man was thinking... And don't take Chet the wrong way, man, Chet's not trying to talk down to you because you ain't grown yet. You got some mad chops as a modder. What the Chet Man means is that its great your dad's there and all, and that he's so cool with this stuff, but Chet kind of thinks maybe he ain't that good at being a dad. The second rule of modding is you never do your first run with a human pilot. Remote that sheez man! Chet knows! Chet nearly died 'cause he didn't have anyone to watch his back- tell him stuff like that. Your dad shoulda known better, dude makes frames!

You're a bright kid, man. Bet you did a lot of math and drew diagrams and all that boop.

Ain't that simple lil' dog.

Lotsa stuff goes wrong with the first production. Maybe a model spec was wrong. Maybe a tech bolted something that shoulda been welded. Maybe a sheet of metal was straight when it needed to be curved. You can't just engineer up all that, that's be, like, magic. Our Dee's the closest thing to a mathemagician Chet knows and she still runs through R-bots like they murdered her sensei.

Chet feels ya man! Getting to do the first run on a new frame is like blissin' man- once you know its safe! Alice won't even let the Big Dog do a first run like that, and she doesn't care about Chet at all.

Chet's just trying to say, be careful lil' dog. Gotta be safe if you wanna get grown and do this stuff for real. Real impressed though man. Maybe when you're old enough you can stop by and get a brewski with Chet an ol' Maximoff.

BIG DOG OUT!

---

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